It takes balls to be a witness.
Hello, my adoring millions. After my un-asked-for hiatus (WordPress locked me out), I’m back! So I thought, rather than grab you by the P#*%%y, Trump-style, I’d grab your attention instead with this titillating title (do you know how to titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its a tit lot).
Where does the word “testimony” or its etymological fellow bawbag-dweller “testify” come from? And why do these words resemble the word “testicle”? – “I resemble that remark, said the testicle to the witness” – and, don’t you know it, the testicle was right. Testimony and testify derive from the latin “testis” meaning both witness and testicle. But why, you ask? What on earth does a person’s speaking truthfully have to do with the family jewels?
It turns out that in Roman times, when only men were allowed to speak in court, they grabbed their vitals as a way of indicating that they were telling the truth – “I swear on all I hold dear (and I can assure you am holding all I hold dear) that I’m telling the truth.” I wonder what the point of this embarrassing display was; if he lied would his hand suddenly take on a mind of its own and rip his scrotum off? Scrotumoff – sounds like a Russian vodka; reminds me of the famous Russian prostitute, Sofilthya Rotyourcrotochoff, or her three-balled brother, Uja Nickabollockoff (probably have to be British to get that one). I’ve read that in some primitive cultures, two men testifying against each other held each others’ balls as a way of keeping the proceedings civilized. And, apparently, this custom derives from certain species of monkey who greet each other by fondling each others’ balls, again as a means to maintain peace. Talk about passive-aggressive!
“Hi, how’s it hangin”? “You tell me.”
Perhaps Donald Trump’s obsession with grabbing women’s vaginas is a means to distract him from the fact that his tiny, little hands can’t even feel his testes because, as the mendacious witness in the hundreds of lawsuits against him, they’ve disappeared.
Don’t forget to vote.