Why can’t I Open a Liquor Store?

Because the State says I can’t. That’s right, The government of North Carolina thinks its citizens can’t be trusted to sell liquor off premises. Only the State can. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. But I suspect it has something to do with the bible, or, more accurately, what those who like to bash said book would have us believe it says. Not that it does. And if it did, who cares what some religious text says or what some religion believes? These are the United States, founded by some extraordinarily intelligent people who had a healthy, skeptical attitude towards religion and decided to protect us from its insidiousness by including the First Amendment to our Constitution.
But, whatever the reason for disallowing North Carolina businessmen and women from making a living selling liquor, it’s stupid, insulting and wholly contrary to our shared American passion for minimal government, self-reliance and the sanctity of the free market. Here’s what I want to know: Why aren’t the tea partiers and Republicans clamoring for a repeal of this socialistic law? Why aren’t they raising their nasty, shrill little voices to protect their potential constituents — small business owners — from such an un-capitalistic piece of governmental heavy-handedness. Why aren’t they baying for less government intrusion in the lives of those who would make a living, provide jobs and pay (tiny, of course) taxes if they could just open a liquor store? What’s going on here?
I’ll tell you what’s going on. They’re hypocrites. If they truly believed in capitalism, less government, trickle-down economics, the almighty power of the market-place, they’d be taking to the streets (instead, they’re taking to the streets on the issues of abortion and gay marriage all the while lining their fatcat donors’ pockets). But they only “believe” their drivel when it benefits not the small business-owner, but the big business-owner, and when it gets them votes. And they’re certainly not going to alienate their base: the afore-mentioned thumpers of the good book. No. they won’t touch this issue with the proverbial ten-foot greased pole.
Here’s what we need to do. Get government out of the way, repeal the law and allow individuals to obtain licenses to sell liquor off premises. The economic benefits would be huge (I won’t go into them because they’re obvious to all but the stupid and the hypocritical). But what, gentle reader, do we say to those liberals and conservatives who would decry the loss of jobs and the visual blight of all those boarded up ABC stores and their other pathetic arguments? Here’s what we say: We just shrunk the government; we just created jobs, we just boosted the economy; we just made it so that those ABC store workers can make more money in the the private sector than they do working for the State (and they’re exceptionally well-qualified; in fact, they’re the ones who will probably open up their own stores); and, we tell them, we have a plan for those ABC workers who want to continue working for the State; and this plan also answers the empty ABC stores query: Legalize marijuana.
That’s right. Legalize marijuana. Get the government out of our lives even more and end the discrimination against one of God or Nature’s most pleasant gifts to us. How, you ask, will legalizing marijuana take care of the out-of-work ABC guys and the empty ABC stores issue? Come on, you know what I’m going to say. All the bureaucracy, manpower etc. currently expended on the regulation of off-premises liquor sales can be channeled into the regulation of marijuana-selling. Shall we look at the benefits of such a plan? Yes, we shall: put the drug dealers out of business; stop wasting money on the “war on drugs”; create jobs (we could actually eliminate tax-payer subsidies for farmers if we let them grow marijuana); take some measure of control over an impairing substance; and (unless the right-wingers have a problem with it), tax it! And sell it out of the ABC stores employing the State workers who decided to stay.
The fact is, it’s a great idea (I wish it was original to me). Currently, I pay no tax on the weed I buy. But I do pay tax on everything else I buy. Let the government regulate the distribution of this naturally-growing weed and make tons of money off it along the way. Believe me, the pot-smoker will gladly pay the tax in exchange for the ease of purchase. How much can we make off the tax on marijuana? I don’t know. Let’s give it a shot and see what happens.
So. let’s recap. The lack of privately-owned liquor stores is un-American, the opposition to which is a position that both parties can agree on except that the Republicans are hypocrites and the Democrats are pussies; privatizing the off-premises sale of liquor makes perfect sense for every reason imaginable but won’t happen because the Republicans are hypocrites and the Democrats are pussies; legalizing marijuana makes just as much sense however you look at it but won’t happen because the Republicans are hypocrites and the Democrats are pussies; coupling the privatization of off-premises liquor sales with the legalization of marijuana makes even more sense any way you look at it but won’t happen because the Republicans are hypocrites and The Democrats are … you get the idea.